Weddings bring out the worst in people.
I sat on a rustic white wooden bench on the night of my sister’s wedding reception. This was the last place a gay college student, who had just turned twenty-one, wanted to be on a Friday night.
My foot was rolling a pebble under my toe, while the sun disappeared under the horizon. The place was cute enough, a winery just outside of Austin. I could hear family members laughing, telling the same jokes they always tell at our family events.
Tomorrow was the big day for my sister. I had always thought the world of her when I was little. She was this cool older sibling that I looked up to but also was close with. My protection from the world when my parents were away.
I always wanted to play with her toys, games. Anything she was doing I had an interest in doing too. As she got into high school, it was like a switch was flipped and I was no longer cool enough to hang out with. It was all boys and shopping.
Never me.
The moment that broke us was on April 14, 7 years ago at 8:17 pm. My mom had dragged my dad to some vacation spot in Europe and we were alone. She stepped toward the door, keys in hand.
I followed right behind her, still tugging at the straps of my Spider-Man backpack.
She looked at me like I didn’t belong. Almost sneering at me to stay.
“I am going to go meet Derek, be back in an hour,” she said while rushing out the door.
The door slammed behind her.
I was alone. She had left me with only snacks and Netflix to supervise me.
Five hours later Paige came back. Five hours after hearing the house settle, strange noises and loneliness.
She never apologized.
And only got worse from there.
I should have been more excited when she and her bf got engaged. It was a year ago, before I started my Junior year of college. I was home with mom and dad and we were playing Monopoly. I had my hands on the little dog token, I was always the dog, and was minutes from winning when my sister barged through the front door.
“Mom. Dad. I have BIG news,” she said like she was on an off-broadway production.
I rolled my eyes thinking she had to be pregnant. They had only been dating a few months.
Jared followed her into the house, hands in his pockets, confidently walking in. His hair somehow blew in the stillness of our foyer.
“What is it Paige?” my mom asked, fearing the worst for no reason.
I swear she milked every moment, making sure everyone was in a perfect position and that we were all watching.
She took a deep breath before bursting out with her usual burst of energy.
“Jared proposed!” she squealed, revealing a large diamond and her sentence to a life of wedded bliss and out of my life.
The family cheered, clapped and cried. Predictable as everything else they did.
“David,” my mom called my name.
“David,” my mom said again and I pretended not to hear her.
My mom grabbed my shoulder to get my attention.
“Congratulate your sister on her big news.”
I sat there staring at my token. Knocking it over before getting up with a smile.
“Congrats Paige,” I said, giving her a hug.
“Thanks David,” she responded, making sure my mother was watching before giving me a distant hug.
I grew rigid at a hug I had not felt in years and then the ruffling of my hair. I hated that.
She walked over to our mom, their phones in hand, as they planned Paige’s perfect day.
On the other side of the room, I could see Jared sitting with dad, sharing a beer. Sitting in awkward silence.
I just sat there going through my phone to avoid everyone. When I looked up, I could swear I saw Jared looking. Perhaps nothing.
Then he did it again. A second too long.
My mother and sister began cackling, squealing at new ideas for the wedding. Their intensity was like they were planning D-Day.
I could see Jared trying to chat up my dad. Struggling.
Looking sad, uncomfortable and alone.
I could almost make out his heartbeat in the vein of his neck bumping.
Thump. Thump.
Thump. Thump.
“David.”
My mother called out to me like a drill sergeant, bringing me back to attention. “Why don’t you go take Jared and get one of the special bottles of whiskey. We should celebrate.”
I nodded for Jared to follow and he fell in line behind me as I bounded down the stairs.
I could hear his footsteps behind me.
When I turned around, he was a step too close behind me. Crashing into me.
His chest hit mine for half a second, warm and solid.
I stepped back, suddenly aware of the shape of his chest beneath his light blue button-down before turning away.
“You doing ok?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Jared said, almost with an exhale.
“How am I doing?” he asked nervously.
“Not bad. Yet,” I joked.
He patted my shoulder and we both looked where his hand had been.
“What kind of whiskey do you like?”
“I uh...not sure. Usually more a beer guy.”
“Oh... let me help you out,” I said as I rummaged through the long row of bottles before landing on The Macallan 18 Year Sherry Oak.
“Here, say you thought this one looked good.”
He grabbed the bottle with an uncertainty about what I had given him.
“It is a good bottle, they will think you have good taste. Which you do, you are marrying my sister. Also it is easy to drink if you don’t like whiskey.”
“I don’t either,” I said.
He just watched me. Neither of us moved.
“Well,” he said. “Thanks. Really. We should uh...get back.”
I nodded and led the way back up the stairs.
Jared handed out the bottle and my mother made a big production of Jared having THE best taste, then getting back to planning the wedding, how many babies they would have, etc.
I walked out of the room, rolling my eyes and going to sit on the patio.
A few minutes later Jared came out. Closing the door behind him and taking a deep breath.
I kept looking at my phone as he sat down, relaxing in the wicker chair next to me.
“Your family is real...”
“Much?” I said, smiling into my phone.
“Yeah,” he said, patting his pockets and bringing out a pack of cigarettes.
“Where can I...” his voice trailed off.
“Go around the corner.”
“Mind if I grab one from you?”
“How old are you?” he asked.
“Old enough to smoke,” I said, looking serious.
He nodded for me to go to the side of the house.
I walked slowly, checking back over my shoulder before joining him.
“So you’re David,” he said, taking a drag of his cigarette then blowing it up into the air.
“Yeah that’s me. What do you know?”
“Not much. She hasn’t said anything about you. Just that you are her little brother, name’s David. And...can be moody,” he said, putting his hand behind his head.
“Oh, damn. I guess it makes sense, she’s older,” I said, defending myself.
“She talk about me?”
I stood there inhaling. Noticing him for the first time.
His dark brown hair. Looked like the color of dark chocolate and had these dangerous red highlights that were subtle.
He had this shirt on that clung to his arms and chest in all the wrong ways.
The more I stared, the tighter my collar felt. Not knowing why.
“Oh yeah,” I lied. “I mean nothing in detail. Just how sweet you are and cute. Very cute,” I said without thinking, then trying to rush to grab the words and take them back.
He smirked at me and lowered his head.
“So David, what do you do for fun?”
“Nothing too crazy. Hang out with friends. Live music. Gamer...saving up for a new Nintendo system. Read when I can. Go out. Senior at UT so I don’t have a ton of time.”
“UT Austin, oh my God, I went there too. Hook em horns.”
“Hook em horns,” I said half heartedly.
“Where do you like to go out?”
“Umm...” I paused. “I like going to the Cockpit.”
“The gay bar?” he said, tripping on his words, putting out a butt on the side of the house then burying it in the grass.
“Yeah,” I shifted, my foot playing with a small rock in the ground.
“Cool. I mean I never knew any gay guys before. But that’s cool,” he said comfortably.
I swear I could feel his eyes on me but it had to be my imagination.
Right?
We lit up another round of smokes. He was lingering.
“So how did you two meet?” I said, watching his lips, a perfect shade of pink, put the cigarette against them.
He was talking about my sister, I’m sure it was something stupid. I couldn’t focus. His lips were more important.
“Aww that is cute,” I said as a token gesture.
“So how was it being Paige’s brother?” he asked.
“Great, we were really close years ago. Very similar. She would be the one to get us into trouble. I was always the one to work our parents and get out of whatever mess she got us into.”
Jared laughed. “Sounds about right.”
“Yeah she was always more rough around the edges. I was the easier one to deal with so that helped.”
“What are your parents like?”
“Dad’s cool. If you like football you will get along well. Especially anything about the Cowboys. That is your in.”
Jared smiled, nodding. “Thanks.”
“And mom?”
“She is more like Paige. Intense, but at the end of the day give her a few compliments and she is harmless. Drives you crazy but harmless.”
“Yeah,” he said, smiling and looking at me.
“I can see Paige in your face a bit...it’s crazy.”
“Oh yeah?” I said, messing up my hair.
“Just more masculine. But soft. It’s cra...” he said, inspecting my face with his hand.
“I am her brother. So that checks.”
“Yeah,” he said, lost in thought.
“Jared, honey, are you out here?” Paige said, sticking her head out the window before gliding out the door to find Jared.
“Hey babe, just talking to David. Getting to know my future brother-in-law a bit more.”
“Shit,” he whispered.
“Oh that is so sweet, talking to my little brother,” she said as I rolled my eyes.
Then she sniffed.
“Jared, have you been smoking?” Her rage was building. “You told me you quit.”
Jared’s face faded to a shade of white as he froze, looking back at me.
I walked in front, putting my hand on his shoulder.
“Paige, sorry. That’s me,” I said, patting Jared’s back.
Jared looked back at me and exhaled with a smile.
“DAVID. You know Jared quit smoking,” she said.
I didn’t. I had just heard of this guy tonight.
“Sorry. Just family stuff stresses me out,” I said.
Jared joined me and I should have waited until he went back in the house.
Her eyes looked at me narrowly. Trying to read the situation.
The doorbell rang and she pranced back into the house. The scent of her Chanel No. 5 staying behind with us.
“Thanks David, you are a freaking lifesaver.”
He patted my shoulder.
“Here,” I said, handing him some gum.
He smiled, reaching for the piece, our fingers grazing each other. His hand did not move and I tried to avoid watching him. Feeling him drawn to me.
All I could do was give a sheepish look through my tousled hair before he disappeared into the same empty conversation of the night.
As I watched from the corner of the room, mom and Paige were hours deep in planning the wedding and Jared was reciting Cowboy history and player stats to dad.
For a second, it felt like every piece had finally fallen into place.
Jared, and his smile, were all I could think about for days. Weeks. But I finally got lost into my normal college rhythm.
7:23 PM Jared: Hey Man😊 Bachelor Party. Vegas. June 3. You better come.
I stared at the text longer than anything at school all semester then placed it on the desk. Face down.
I leaned back in my chair. Closed my American History book.
Then a smile.