I didn’t have sex until college.

Growing up in a small town in Texas, that felt like a life sentence.

During high school, I knew I was gay. Everything about a man turned me on. The 12 o’clock shadow, the way their legs looked in shorts, and the way they smelled.

It was hard to get your dick wet, let alone have a boyfriend. I had resigned myself to the idea that I might just die a virgin.

I got accepted to the second university of my choice, and I was happy. I was making good grades, making friends, and was generally happy. The only distraction was a burning desire to touch a man, to see what it felt like to get off with another man.

The day it finally happened seemed like any other day. I woke up, had my morning coffee and did some last minute studying before class. I can still remember that morning. It was that time of year when the Texas heat broke and it was getting a bit cooler outside. It was Thursday and a day I only had two classes. This was perfect as I needed to get some extra studying done before a test on Monday.

Classes ended and I grabbed a quick salad at the campus restaurant before I did my trek to the library. I walked around trying to find a spot that was not around other students. I really wanted to focus and not be distracted so I tried to find a spot away from everyone. The area I found was in a hallway that was between book sections with only one other student deep into their studying.

Nestled by the doorway to one section was a round table which looked perfect so I took out my notepad and textbook from my bag and settled in for a long study session.

Minutes later I noticed a guy walk past. He was about an inch taller than me, lean athletic build, olive skin and dark black hair. I could smell him as he passed and it was what really caught my attention. I am not sure what cologne he wore but it definitely had an effect on me. We made slight eye contact as he passed and I went back to my studies. I could swear that as he entered the book section he looked back.

Being someone of an introvert I doubted myself and went back to learning about the “fun filled world” of microeconomics.

Minutes later I noticed the guy walk by again and this time he definitely lingered his look and gave me a slight smirk. Having no experience, I had not a clue what to do so I awkwardly went back to my studies not sure if he was actually interested or just really friendly.

Minutes later I heard someone at the bookshelf right by the door. I saw that guy there. He was not looking at me but trying to find a book that he probably needed for class. He did not look over this time and we did not catch eye contact.

I thought at this time that I was just horny and seeing something that was not there.

It was at this point I could hear a slight rubbing sound. I looked up and saw the guy there and he had his hand on his crotch and was slowly rubbing himself through his jeans.

At this point, my throat became like the Sahara Desert. I felt like it took all the strength I had just to swallow as I slowly focused on what he was doing. It was like at that moment everyone in the building disappeared and time just stopped.

We made eye contact and he bit one side of his lip and gave me a smirk.

At this point it felt like animal instinct took over. I had never ever done anything with a guy but at that moment I leaned back in my chair and started rubbing myself through my pants.

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Traveling for work can be a lot of fun, at first. You get to see a lot of new cities, different types of people. Explore your country or if lucky, outside of it.

After a few years, it loses its luster. The flights and hotels all start looking the same, trying to force yourself to be at your best drains your social battery and sometimes you just miss being around your friends and family.

That Sunday I was on my phone, rushing to get through Terminal 1 trying to get to my gate. Pushing past people that were navigating the airport like it was their first day on planet earth. I clutched my phone in one hand, dragging my suitcase with the other and being weighed down by my leather messenger bag.

“Hey, I am going to need to let you go, Pete. I am almost at the gate,” I said in a rush, not wanting to go.

I laughed.

“Don’t be crazy, I don’t have time to go out to relax. I’m stuck in the conference for 12 hours each day.”

I laughed again.

“I know. I’ll try to do something fun. Let’s get the guys over as soon as I get back.”

“No, I won’t flake again this time. I promise.”

“Oh, like I’ll have time to get laid.”

“Ok. Running late. Talk soon.”

Getting to my gate I scrambled to find my boarding pass on my phone.

Then my boss texted.

“Make sure to get that summary over to me before the conference. You know this is an important week so I am counting on you to be at your best as always. See you soon, Dustin.”

I stared at my phone again reading it to make sure I didn’t miss a single order before rolling my eyes and putting it into my pocket and joined the tail end of my boarding group.

The glamorous life of a young professional.

Making my way down the aisle my focus kept shifting from the seat numbers to the new emails flying back and forth. Everyone was acting like the next five days was like we were planning for war, not a sales conference in Vegas. I just shook my head and calmly made my way to my first class seat. A window. Perfect to keep me calm. Even after hundreds of flights at this point, I am still a nervous flyer.

I had to guess we had another 23 minutes to let everyone else board, so I knew I could finish doing an expense report and finishing touches on our Monday agenda. I typed as fast as I could, not paying attention as someone bumped into me as they got into their seat. Not sure how. These weren’t coach seats. Probably not paying attention.

When we finished boarding the flight attendant came over and asked me to put away my laptop in a way that made me think she had asked me a couple of times. I’m sorry, you don’t have a promotion on the line and your anal retentive boss going to be glued to your hip the next few days.

As I slipped my laptop into my bag, I put some music on and rested my eyes a few minutes. With a smell of something sweet like maple and ash helping me slip into a quick power nap.

That nap by the way was supposed to be 15 minutes, turned out to be three hours and 45 minutes. No giving me time to do work on the flight, and missing my breakfast. SHIT!

I forced myself to wake up as we made our landing and short trip to the gate. Cursing at myself the entire way. Then sighing myself into an indignant restless silence and assuring myself I had time to get everything done before the first meeting tomorrow.

As soon as the seatbelt sign went off I leaped into action to make sure I was ready to get off the plane with the speed of an Olympic relay racer.

Each person started to filter off the plane one by one. When it was my turn, I grabbed the strap of my bag and reached for my roller board, almost knocking my seat companion over.

“Hey, lol, you need to slow down,” he said, in a much friendlier, soothing tone than I would have used in his situation.

I apologized and made my way to the hotel to check in and settle in for the night.

The conference the next day went very well. I led our leadership through each meeting with ease and finally got into a rhythm for the conference to set us up for success.

As I sent the C-suite to their round table discussions I looked at the time on my watch. I had plenty of time to grab coffee before a session starting in 15 minutes. Getting into line I could almost taste the caramel macchiato before I even ordered it. This was going to get me through the next few hours and double as my lunch.

The line was taking forever as everyone ordered with oblivious certainty.

I was tapping my finger against my Amex when I saw this guy ordering. He looked calm, collected, and had this light grey blazer and shirt that really fit his body well. He walked past me on his way out, sipping his coffee. I could see his skin peeking underneath the collarbone. A hint of a tan and a light dusting of hair.

Then he nodded at me. As if we had passed by each other a hundred times.

My mind stayed focused on him longer than it should before I realized it was my turn to order.

“Dustin! We are going to be late, hurry the hell up!” I heard my coworker say behind me as I rolled my eyes. We had plenty of time but Greg always had to be a know-it-all.

I grabbed my order and rushed to the next session on leadership, or A.I., or Leadership Using A.I. They all blurred together at some point.

Sitting there looking through the program for the eleventh time, trying to avoid talking to Greg. Well, more about his inane way of making small talk. About his golf score. His daughter’s soccer game or something I could care less about.

The session started on the main stage and they had a panel of guests coming on to interview each one. It was actually a great session about how to be an effective leader in an age of working from home and technology exploding. My hand barely left my notepad as I took pages of notes. Underlining items I found important.

The last session started after another round of applause for the outgoing group. I took the final sip of my coffee and placed it under the seat before relaxing back in my chair. My arm draped over the empty seat to my left. I could see Greg fighting to stay awake.

The next group went onstage and I could feel something tighten inside. Walking on stage was the guy from the coffee shop in the grey sports coat. Walking on stage with confidence and a swagger as if he owned it.

Placing the pen down in my book I leaned forward in my chair. His name was Tag Harrison, and he led the North American sales group for a company out east. He was talking in depth about creating culture and how it was important to make sure that you pushed your team for success but knew when to pump the brakes from time to time to enjoy their success and have some work-life balance.

Sitting there I could almost count how many times he crossed and uncrossed his legs. The way he avoided using the word synergy and other corporate buzzwords. And how he had this cute habit of brushing his lip with his thumb when he disagreed with someone. God, I wanted to be that thumb so bad.

I remember shaking my head hard. What was I thinking? This is not the place to let my body get in the way of work.

I shifted in my pants and told Greg I needed to find a restroom and quietly escaped the uncomfortable cage of my seat.

When I got to the bathroom, I rushed over to the sink and splashed some cold water on my face.

Just standing there. Gripping the sink. Watching as each drip of water fell from the faucet and pooled in the porcelain basin.

Drip.

Remove the thoughts of his confidence.

Drip.

His skin showing through his white shirt.

Drip.

Empty all thoughts of those lips.

Focus, dude. Do what dad says. Keep your eyes on the prize.

Taking a deep breath, I went to finish the day back in the driver’s seat.

That evening we took clients out to dinner, and it was nothing out of this world. I was being charming, able to make conversation with even the most introverted. I will say Thomas, the I.T. leader from a large credit union out east, was a challenge. I asked him how he met his wife. “Online.” What do you like about your job? “It’s a job.” Just every answer was like pulling feral cats out of a burning building.

Two bottles of wine later, I had decided to call it a night. I don’t tend to stay out late drinking as we have a full day and nothing good comes from anything that goes until 2 a.m.

Getting back to my hotel, I couldn’t remember if I was in room 4130 or 4132 and felt like I was turned around in the hallway. I was about to get to my door when I got a call. It was my boss.

“Yes sir.”

As he praised the dinner, and how I had pretty much guaranteed landing two accounts, I paced the hall. Then I saw Tag walk past, give me a smirk and a head nod just like before.

“Dustin, are you there?”

“Uh, yes sir! Sorry, sir.” I watched as he headed down the hall.

My boss had me walk through the plans and I stuttered my way through them. Trying not to watch Tag as he walked down the hall.

Was he on this floor?

My boss was now irritated that he had to meet with someone on the schedule we had covered repeatedly for weeks.

Watching Tag stop and try to put his card on a door. Was he staying in the room next to mine? No...

“Dustin! Focus. Can we cancel that meeting?”

“Yes sir. I can go to my room and reach out to Rachel and get that done.”

Turning around I heard the door close and my worst suspicion was confirmed. Tag Harrison was staying next door to my room.

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Fuck. Where is he? I need to get back to work.

I was looking at my phone, watching the time go by, sitting on the top step of a parking garage stairwell. I only had a few more minutes before I had to go back to work.

I looked at our conversation, trying to kill time.

Me: Hey Jeremy: Hey, what’s up? Cute pic! Me: You too. Looking? Jeremy: Send a dick pic Me: Sent!

And they said romance was dead.

I sat there looking at his firm ass one last time when I heard the cold hard metal of the door close a couple flights down. Then the slow haunting echo of each step as it climbed higher.

My heart raced faster and faster as I stood up. Running my hand over my slacks to remove any wrinkles I might have just created. My mind started racing. What would he really look like? Would he be good at sucking my dick.

Would we get caught.

The usual stuff you think about in parking garage stairwells on a work day.

The steps were getting closer and louder while my heart beat stronger in my chest like I hadn’t done scenarios just like this dozens of times. Or more. The fluorescent light was flickering off and on, judging what I was there to do.

He was getting closer to the top and I started to see his shadow that at least matched his profile description. Jeremy was about to turn the corner when I dropped my keys as I set them on a ledge. The metal on concrete made a sharp noise that froze him in his steps. At least I thought it was him.

His head turned the corner. Looking cute like a meerkat popping out of its hole.

His hair was tousled, a bit different than the pic he had sent, and these beautiful grey eyes that I hadn’t taken the time to admire earlier. This I can work with.

He gave a nervous smile as I stood there, no doubt in his head why I was there, and walked up closer to me.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” I said. Smiling, my hands going deeper in my pockets. “Took you long enough,” I joked.

He looked a bit confused but then smiled as he stepped closer. I could smell a mix of fresh soap like he had recently showered.

He took another step, his eyes telling me what he wanted as he watched me rub myself through my pants. Feeling that my cock was already fully erect with the anticipation of this encounter.

Standing inches from me I could feel his lips get pulled into orbit with mine. Trying to decide who was going to make the first move.

It should be me.

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I wish I was a better son.

That seems like the thing I should say to feel guilty for everything I put my parents through.

In grade school it was constant parent-teacher conferences. Middle school it was detention on the reg. Then in high school... well, we don’t talk about high school.

Maybe if I was my dad’s work he would pay attention to me.

I knew something was up when Jeremy, my dad’s best friend, came knocking at our back door.

“Hey Josh,” he said, looking around the house. “Is your dad home?”

Cut the bullshit, Josh. You guys text 24/7. You know he isn’t.

“No, he and mom are out at some farmers market.” I said with disdain in my voice.

“Oh, that’s too bad.”

He opened the fridge and helped himself to a container of yogurt.

“Hey, I was thinking...”

Here it is.

“What do you say, you and me. Camping next weekend. Might be good.”

Ok, this must be bad if they are going to have Jeremy haul me to the woods. Was he doing Dad’s dirty work and going to leave me there for dead.

Pfft. Who cares.

I sat there a minute, thinking about this proposal, then smiled a wry smile.

“Sure thing, Jeremy. Let’s go camping.”

He looked surprised and satisfied with my answer.

“Great. Pick you up next week.”

Getting ready for the weekend trip, I had no idea what I was doing. Not exactly the camping type. I had my duffle bag and placed my fifth shirt into it, along with extra shorts, thinking I might not have enough clothes. As I held up my black jock strap I thought, hopefully this is enough for two days.

I knew what I wanted to wear. I found my favorite tank top, the one that was slightly fading from use. My favorite running shorts, the ones I liked to run in when I went to the park. They fit me perfectly.

The morning Jeremy was supposed to get there I sat at my desk tapping my keys, waiting. I looked over at my bag and checked it one more time, making sure everything was in place before pacing around the room.

Josh froze.

“What would we even talk about for a whole weekend? What activities would he even like to do?”

It isn’t like Jeremy is a stranger. He had been a fixture around the house for years. Hell, he had been around for more important events than my dad. Usually it was to pick me up from track because my dad was tied up in a meeting, or to sign me out of school if I was sick.

So him being around was not foreign.

“JEREMY!” My dad called from the other room, jerking me awake. My heart beat harder as I left my room.

I almost knocked my college math textbook to the floor getting up to grab my bag.

I took one last look in the mirror. Took a deep breath. Ready for whatever the weekend had in store.

The first 30 minutes we lived in my angsty twenty-something melancholy.

Then I had an obvious question I should have asked sooner.

“How long is this drive anyway?” I said, my finger sliding against the bottom of the cup holder.

“Just another four hours.”

“Four hours??” I said out loud as if he had told me it was forty days.

He smiled. “You’ll be ok.” His hand briefly patted my knee, causing my body to react. It had been a couple of weeks since a man had touched me. His rough hand brought back memories of Tom. Harry. Luke.

Adjusting myself in my shorts, I moved the vent fan and its cold air to help hide my excitement. Hiding my thoughts as I scrolled through benign videos on my phone.

I could feel Jeremy watching me from the corner of his eye. Making sure I was up to no trouble, probably on Dad’s instructions.

Then a clearing of his throat. Deep, like his voice.

“Listen, Josh. Thanks for coming with me.”

“Didn’t seem like I had much of a choice, did it?”

“What do you mean?” he said, trying to sound innocent.

I paused. Shaking my head.

“Why are we really doing this, Jeremy?”

He looked out the window as we passed a silver barn that had seen better days. A tractor, rusty and collapsing with age. The city far behind us now.

“I thought...” he looked at me. “Your dad thought it would be good for you to get out. Get into nature and have a guys’ weekend.”

That answer came out a bit faster than it should have.

I started biting my nails then looked dead at him.

“So why isn’t he here?”

“Well, he had...”

“Work to do,” we both said, finishing Jeremy’s sentence.

“Look, he means well. I know you don’t see it but he is working hard to make sure you and your mom are taken care of.”

“Really?” I scoffed, putting my foot on the dash.

Jeremy sighed. “You might not see it now. But when you don’t have student loans you’ll see why he works so much.”

He removed my foot from his dash casually.

“If he’s taking care of me so much, why am I not able to go away to college?”

“Josh...” Jeremy’s voice trailed off.

Oh right. Dad must have told him about the arrest in the park. A footnote in a long line of incidents from the summer.

We continued the rest of the trip oscillating between silence and listening to country music as we journeyed closer to the campsite.

With a couple of hours left I laid my seat back and tried to close my eyes to escape the boredom. Turning to my side I could see Jeremy’s strong arms gripping the steering wheel.

I memorized every peak and valley in his skin.

Adjusting myself one last time before I fell asleep.

And reading a text from my Dad with his left hand.

“Be sure to be easy on him. He needs you to trust him before you”

I rolled my eyes to whatever plan they had to turn me around.

I wanted to hate every minute but found myself strangely starting to relax for the first time in a long time.

When we finally got to the campsite and started unloading, the heat was still building for the day. I could hear the birds chirping, a buzz from whatever possibly dangerous insects were circling our encampment.

I sighed to myself.

Jeremy had me unpack his Jeep while he started setting up the tent. The tent looked smaller than I imagined. Not that I was expecting a full suite with a king-size bed, it just didn’t look like it could fit both of us in there.

Unless we slept close. Uncomfortably close.

I gripped the cooler handles harder than needed. Setting it down while watching him manipulate the tent into perfection.

Setting the cooler down, I could see him look back. Him watching me. Watching him.

This could work.

Working together we made a campsite that looked right out of a Patagonia ad.

The night descended. The warm orange glow of the campfire. Jeremy in a flannel shirt and jeans. His work boots kicked up near the fire. A beer in one hand, a book in the other.

I stretched my lean body out, making it a point to show as much flesh as I could. If there were other people around I might not have been as bold. But we were here. Alone.

Jeremy shifted as he was reading but I could see him watching me out of the corner of his eye.

“Josh, you have a funny way of dressing for camping.”

“I just like to be comfortable,” I said, spreading my legs to show even more flesh.

Glad I didn’t wear underwear.

His eyes lingered on me longer than they should have dared, then turned away. I know that look. I had seen it a hundred times or so.

The fire cracked and popped. I pretended to be distracted by my phone.

With each beer and passing of time I could feel Jeremy’s gaze on me more. Longer.

Each time I would look his way he would turn away or make an excuse to get something from the car. The cooler. The tent. Something that was far from where my body was.

Too easy.

“Hey Jeremy,” I said as I got up and headed to the tent.

Walking into the darkness my breathing got more shallow. I could hear my heart beating against my chest as I slowly unzipped the tent.

Changing out of my clothes I wondered: was this the line that was too far?

Then returning to camp, I walked up. The glow of the fire creating a perfect hue on my body. There I stood in front of Jeremy.

Naked.

Hard.

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The Cotton Bowl. I am going to the Cotton Bowl with my 3 best buds who I scored tickets with last month to go see the UT vs OU game.

I am stoked! Bros, Booze, Football and hot Dallas girls....what else could a guy need...

We got to the game as soon as we could as we wanted to experience the entire vibe. From that first whiff of stadium food mixed with beer, to just the excitement from other UT fans.

I sat there in the bleachers, trying not to bend the program and keep it pristine. Also trying to down my beer as fast as I could to get my buzz to where it was before we left the hotel.

“Guys,” I said taking a sip. “I’m going to hit the head and get another beer. Anyone want another?”

“I need one, I’ll go with you,” Jake said, chugging down. Jake was my ride or die and always by my side. The other guys were pacing themselves which is good because Tommy is a bit of a lightweight and Blake...well, Blake gets into all kinds of trouble when he has too much.

Jake and I ran down the stairs. Faster, more bouncy than normal, trying to find a line that wasn’t insanely long. Dodging all the other fans as we weaved in and out of the crowd trying to find a bathroom before my bladder exploded.

Finally finding a spot, I got in line and noticed. No Jake. WTF bro. I turned around and saw him talking to some hot girl. Blonde, nice rack and legs that were shaped perfectly by her burnt orange cowboy boots in those shorts. My boy had taste.

I rolled my eyes and laughed, spinning around quickly and, with a hard wet thud, crashed into someone leaving line with a tray full of beers. I survived with only a few drops. Him not so much. All over his red OU shirt.

One thing you should know. OU and UT don’t just have a rivalry. This game was practically a blood feud of biblical proportions. This game was one of the most contested games in the conference...fuck that, the country. We HATED one another. So this one spill could be the tipping point for a full riot in the stands.

“DUDE,” the guy said, dripping with beer. “What the fuck, watch where you are going....”

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